Learning & Leaving

I got in my car, with the entire contents of my office emptied into the backseat, at the end of my last day of work. I expected emotions, and all of them were mixed, as they have been for months, about every facet of my life. Then this song came on the radio, and what could I do but laugh?

Ever since I turned 26, it's as if my life has been in a blender. (Literally me.)

But it's shown me some things, I'll give it that. (Again, me.)

Learning: Maybe I don't want to be a hermit in the woods just yet (all bets are off for the future). Maybe I need to pursue a profession that better serves me creatively, financially, and mentally. Maybe I need a person who has the same energy levels as me and likes books. Maybe I need to write my novel instead of just talking about it.

Leaving: A place that was once my home. A person who was once my home. The notion that I have to have everything all figured out.

It makes sense that I haven't blogged since November.

I'm not even mad at it. It's been such a crazy time, that even when I wanted to blog, I was sort of at a loss for what to say. I still have an unfinished draft post of all of my favorite records of 2019! I still might publish it - there were some bangers on there. It just goes to show the kind of craziness life's been throwing at me lately.

But now, it feels like I'm entering a new season.

It was windy and we were being dorks.

The other day, my sister and I grabbed coffee and went to the park. I couldn't remember the last time I had done something like that, just hanging out and talking with her in nature. It gave us a moment to sort through everything we've been thinking and feeling and experiencing lately. And we both feel like we're on the cusp of very big change in our lives right now.

Naturally, my constant thought at the moment is, "Everything's ending."

But when everything's ending, that means new things are about to begin. It's a new chapter, a new page, the next act of the play that is my life (somebody stop me, I am getting unforgivably cheesy, SEND HELP, OR PIZZA). And while it's hard to leave behind things that were very, very good, it is the right thing to do at this point in my life. It doesn't make it any easier, and I don't like sitting with these difficult emotions, but tough times can make you resilient.

I guess this is just the latest installment in the ongoing series entitled: Erin Grows Up and Discovers Who She Is.

Even though I think I've known who I am for a while. But I just keep learning new things about myself, and what I want, and what I don't, and it's kind of baffling. There's this quote that I want to include at the beginning of my novel, that I just adore, and it's by e.e. cummings: "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." WELL DANG, e.e. RIP MY HEART OUT, e.e. Because that's how I feel, in this weird phase of learning and leaving. It's knowing that who I am and what I want for my life isn't going to be for everyone.

But that's okay.

Because, to quote the great Avril Lavigne: "I can't not be what I am."

Drink water and take care of yourself,

E

Alive with the Glory of Autumn

We have officially entered That Part of the Year where my favorite coffee shop keeps the door open, and basically, that's all my autumn-loving heart could want in life. I feel like I always say this, but I literally (and figuratively) can't grasp how it is already Thanksgiving, or Thanksgiving Eve, if we are being technical, which we are.

So this is the thing: it's almost December, and everything is changing.

Not just because it's the end of the year and the holidays are here (BLESS), but because life has been on the move. It feels like I'm losing certain things while gaining others - people, responsibilities, fears. This season, this year, has been so colored by change and the slow process of becoming the person I am meant to be. And it's good, and it's real, and it's scary.

Also, I got a nose ring. #AllTheLifeChanges

So, what do you do? You take time off of work to sit with your thoughts and feelings and burrow yourself beneath blankets and talk about yourself in the second person. You read think pieces whilst burrowed and buy books brand new for once and string up lights in your room because all the twinkling things feel inspiring somehow. You walk around college campuses and hold hands with your person, and listen to albums that sound like how your soul feels.

It's like....life can be very hard and very good all at once.

Saying goodbye to people is hard. Working through anxiety is hard. Allowing yourself to rest even when you very desperately want to Do All the Things is very hard. But it also adds up to something very good. It makes you resilient. It forces you to grow up a little. It makes you realize you were capable of more than you thought, and that there are always new adventures right around the corner.

I maybe-promise that I'll write up another Care Package post, but for now, here is a small assortment of things that have cozied themselves up to my heart in no particular order:

Clairo's Immunity album; this triumphantly glorious song; this intriguing interview; the pages of this book that called to me in Barnes & Noble; this drink with all the caramel oozy bits; reading end-of-the-year lists like this one; making myself a peppermint cocoa because Christmas.

Also, I went to Michigan a month or so ago, and I feel like I still haven't had time to process that.

My family and I being absolutely ridiculous on my aunt's front porch in Michigan.

Seester.

If this isn't the Hygge lifestyle embodied, I don't know what is.

So, there you have it.

Life is good, life is hard, the holidays are here, and everything is beautiful in its imperfection. I hope you all are having really splendid, refreshing Thanksgiving breaks and remember to take care of your hearts, minds, bodies and souls around this time of year, which can sometimes be tough. Have any fun plans for your weekend, or recommendations to share? Send them my way!

It's turkey time,

E

Care Package 001 | November 2019

This morning when I stepped outside, it was nice. Not humid, not balmy - but nice. For the first day of November in Florida, that is saying something.

Two weeks prior, I hopped off a plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan into Michigan, where it was cool and serene and all the trees were crispy with color. 

I gathered as many fall leaves as I could, and put them in my suitcase back to the land where palm trees abound. And just like that, we're in November, and just like that, my quick fall trip to a northern state feels like eons ago. And as much as I've been wanting to write, I've been busy and sleepy and time just keeps marching on.

Maybe you feel the same way.

Maybe you're feeling a bit burnt out. Maybe as much as you want to work on your creative thing, you just as equally want to take a nap and not feel bad about it. And to you I say, take that nap! But also: here is your complimentary care package.

Small backstory: I know this wonderful human who saves up little things during the week for himself to read and enjoy later, and that always stuck with me.

It's like a little care package from yourself. And when I heard that, I started creating my own care package, too. And now - one for you. Disclaimer: I always start new post series (series-es?) on this blog with the best of intentions, but I don't always keep up with them. BUT! I wanted to create a Care Package series to share little delights for you to take with you, at least for this month. Just in case.

So without further ado, please enjoy Care Package 001, from me to you:

For a laugh: These were the Halloween costumes my family and I decided on this year. My sister was Post Malone, my cousin Daisy went as Daisy sour cream, and ya girl's a bat. How about that!

To Read

* Oh my word, this article: AKA the best thing I've read in a long time. It gave me goosebumps, and I promptly ran out to the bookstore despite having a cold to pick up the full Modern Romance anthology because WOW. If you love love stories (even heartbreaking ones), this is for you, my dude.

* Normal People by Sally Rooney: This book was so good that I promptly devoured it on my five-day Michigan trip. I've never read anything quite so aching. This book was, to me, the literary equivalent of the Julien Baker song, "Good News" (a must listen). 10/10 would read again.

To Listen

* Half Moon Run: Only listen if you're ready to find your new favorite fall folk album. I've been waiting literal years for Half Moon to drop this record, but hey - it takes years to make a masterpiece. Try out "Flesh and Blood" and "Razorblade" for a taste of their tunes.

* Waterparks: If pop-punk/emo/experimental tunes are your thing, and you don't mind language or cartoonish green hair, please do yourself a favor and give the FANDOM record a listen.

* NF: Can't say enough good things about NF's latest album and I'm not even a hip-hop/rap fan.

To Do

* I would highly recommend finding your human and giving them a hug: Because sometimes your human could use a hug, too.

* Be kind to yourself: Someone wise once told me to treat myself with grace and compassion. And if you've been burning the candle at both ends, and trying to be everything to everybody, don't forget to be a friend to yourself, too.

* Meme-palooza: Just keep clicking > 1, 2, 3, 4.

And there it is! The first Care Package post. If you have any recommendations for me, as always - I'm all ears!

Drinking way too much coffee,
E