Goodbye, Groundhog Day

This is the smol writing cabin I sometimes write about in posts. Spent a couple of days there quarantining and trying to put words on the page with my novel.

 There is no better way to describe the month of April than "Groundhog Day." Due to quarantine, it has felt largely like I've been living the same day over and over again. When I look back on April 2020 years from now, it is likely I will remember a lot of time spent indoors, searching for jobs, and novel writing (read also: crying, oops). 

Needless to say, April was not my favorite, though this month has found me getting closer to the Lord and taking steps of faith, for which I am so, so grateful.

I attempted a Domestic Pursuit and made boxed blueberry muffins the other week (it's a start). They were good! It's weird how something as simple as baking (and licking the batter bowl) can put me in good spirits.

In a way, April was ripping off the Band-Aid of my comfort zone. It was me pouring my heart out to God, securing a new job after a season of uncertainty, getting close to completing the novel I've been trying to write for years, and soon, Lord willing, moving to an apartment. It's all a fresh start. I've been listening to a lot of records again, which I somehow got out of the habit of, and one of the lyrics that's piercing me is from the band Whitney's second album:

"Tell me everything is just beginning, I don't feel alive but I've been living. Back when we were young, we would ride. Though the changes come, you'll get by. Anything could happen."

That's oddly how I feel now, entering May: Anything could happen. Maybe before that would have paralyzed me. I'll probably still have bad days, but I feel good things ahead for May. Starting a new job and moving out during Super Dark Pandemic Times might sound crazy, but this whole journey has been about faith and trusting God for me. Staying safe and smart, of course, but not fearful. I'm trying not to be afraid anymore, which is something that used to really take root in my life.

I'll still have my moments. I'll still miss people. I'll still look back on the past with rose-colored glasses, as I always have, but now it's time to go. It's time for a NEW THING.

Ok, but a NEW THING doesn't mean I'll stop listening to old favorites (I see you, Avril).

I hope all of you are doing well, taking heart! That this time has given you a chance to reassess what is most important to you. For me, I realized that I want a slower, simpler pace of life. I want to trust the Lord more, and to listen to more music, to write daily, to take steps of faith, and to drink only decaf coffee. To read more books. What have you learned during quarantine? Let me know in the comments!

"I myself will tend my sheep and have them lie down, declares the Sovereign Lord." - Ezekiel 34:15

Current Favorites: This song (*tears up*) | Also this one (my mood) | Reading outdoors

Entering a new season,
E

A Hard Reset

Campus view, pre-pandemic.

On Sunday, my cousin Daisy drove up to the foot of my driveway with books to share. She tossed them onto the lawn, sprayed them down with an industrial-sized can of Lysol, we laughed, then she drove off, and was gone. Thus summing up the most Social Interaction I've had outside of my immediate household in Literal Weeks.

Some days, I'm really negative, and it can be kind of hard to see the good in this situation. But, in a way, this quarantine time has served as something of a hard reset. It's forcing me to evaluate what I actually want in life.

Before everything changed, I was burning myself out. In February, I was eagerly awaiting a time where I could rest, recharge, be alone for a little while, and work on my book. Then boom! Worldwide pandemic. Tons of time to be alone. Tons of time to write. 

So I'm trying to view everything through the lens of opportunity.

My sister channeling Lloyd Dobler a couple of months ago.

I can't lie and say that I'm not eager for regular life and its calming normalcy to return once more. But, I will say that I'm grateful. I'm grateful for health. I'm grateful for the hours I have now to work on my novel each day. I'm grateful for the cookie dough in my freezer, my morning cup of coffee, the sun shining outside, and the 20 episodes of The Vampire Diaries that I may or may not have binge-watched with my sister this weekend.

Because one day, Lord willing, the world will go back to normal. We won't have this strange time forever. I want to be able to say that I used this time, this reset that we've all been given, and created something beautiful out of it.

I did a thing and posted again on my 25 Project blog, if you want to check that out. I really love that this time is giving me a chance to plug into projects that I've ignored or put off for sometime. That I'm able to take a sort of pause from the hectic pace of normal life and see what God is trying to tell me. It's been tough, but someday, this time will be over. This too shall pass.

Smol List of Current Favorites

This article | Novel writing | Hazelnut coffee | This song | Candles

Treat yourself with kindness and remember to get a short walk around the block.

Probably writing or flailing about,

E

Snapshot of a Season | Act 1, Scene 1

We're entering a new season, can you feel it? My sister and I sit on the couch, laughing and crying as we watch an episode of Queer Eye. Happy tears, anxious tears. This week has been a study in emotion, both in expressing it and knowing when to hold it back. It has been the regrowth of sensitivity, of learning to keep my heart open, of tender-hearted prayer with palms up to the sky.

I know I won't always have this. And that's hard.

At the same time, "I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready to move on." Why is it that I must long for a new season, all the while mourning the present one? One day I will wake up in a different town and a different home and my sister won't be on the other side of the wall, playing J. Cole at full volume and strutting about the room in high-waisted denim and yellow espadrilles. One day this will all be different, and it will be good, but I will miss this. I know it, I do. But it doesn't stop me from longing for the future.

The other day, a wedding invitation came in the mail from my cousin.

And then another wedding invitation, from my other cousin. And somehow time is moving, and now it's us, my family, and my friends, who are putting on the rings and having the babies, and I don't know how this happened or who gave us permission to grow up. Change is good, change is good. Life is change, and we move forward. But wow, it's all going by faster than I expected.

A couple of weeks ago,
Daisy and Kaylie and I went to see the Lion King remake.

I sat in a darkened theater and silently wept as Mufasa died, once again. Why did I feel like somehow this time it was going to be different? I don't know why, but I did. Like maybe we could change things. Like maybe he could just hold on a little longer until help arrived. The music to that film just cuts me to the core. It was an odd feeling, connecting with a film that I adored as a child, seeing it again as an adult. In a way, that exactly describes how I've been feeling - as if two parts of me are meeting in the middle, and shaking hands with each other. One part past, one part future, both pulling me in different directions.

So, what even is this post?

This is me processing. It is a sigh of relief, a reclaiming of this space. A tree letting her roots exhale and grow. And you know, I have to say, I'm writing this for me (hence the rambles), but to the people who have stuck around this blog to read even one post or leave a kind word or two: you all are just the sweetest of souls. And I'm grateful that we get to share our thoughts with each other and that you, too, see value in creative spaces and the evolution of those spaces and their authors. I would rather see this space change over time than become sad and stagnant. 

Re: blogging: I think that somewhere along the way, I lost the poetry.

Not that this was ever really a poetry blog. But I miss the outlet these "pages" once were. And I miss having art in my life that is for me. I realized yesterday that I don't write anymore. It took a trip out into the country to realize how much I rely on the Internet and social media to keep myself entertained. I miss those days as a child when I would write by hand with clunky pencils and create stories from nothing. Before my brain was hardwired with this compulsion to constantly "keep up." So I come to this space seeking to reinvent it once more, and to celebrate the fact that it even exists at all.

In less than a month, I will turn 26.

I almost feel as if August is both a prelude of what's to come in my next year, and a season closing, fading out into something new. I don't have exact, concrete thoughts for what the future might hold, but I feel a general sense that inspiration is going to be at the heart of it. Exhibit 1: Last night I felt inspired and revived my old Tumblr. Maybe I'll drop it in a couple of days, or maybe it will become a new space to share my thoughts. Either way, I want expression to be at the heart of my 26th year. Is it weird that I feel like I'm claiming whatever "26" will be for me, now? And taking advantage of the freshness of a new year before it even arrives? Doing it anyway.

To do:

Read more C. S. Lewis. Revive the Twenty Five Project. Write full novels to the albums I've been obsessed with lately (read: music by Bastille, Imagine Dragons). Keep praying with open palms. Keep your door and heart open. Buy flowers. Sing songs.

Til next time, 

E

VOICE | Finding Peace in All the Noise

"Hey, God has you." 

It's the short text sent from an Asheville airport that finds me in an exhale. My father, hundreds of miles away and experiencing anxiety of his own, sends the text anyway.

God has you.

When circumstances change or our emotions run rampant, it can be hard to find peace. When demanding deadlines and confusing questions fill our days, it can be difficult to slow down enough to remember Who is behind it all, weaving beauty into our lives and sprinkling little joys throughout our days. Butterflies and birds soaring and someone sharing cake in the break room. A bouquet of carnations and a Switchfoot song to sing at the top of your lungs.

I went for a walk in the woods this week to get away from the noise.
To be present in nature, even if just for a little while.

This week, the Lord has been whispering to me about peace: "Trust in Me. I've got you." I'm learning that I don't need to know what lies ahead and that when my own anxious thoughts try to solve everything and see the end of my story when I'm still at the start, there is One who speaks to me in a soft VOICE.
He tells me to take it one day at a time.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:34

I want to put this VOICE first. Sometimes it can be hard to hear Him, when I'm so focused on my own thoughts, the blare of social media, the magazines I read, the lyrics I listen to.

I need to carve out more quiet spaces devoid of technology,
media and other people to really hear Him.

I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. And in case you were wondering, or maybe in the midst of it all you've found you've forgotten: Hey, God has you.

What about you?

What do you do to unplug from the craziness and spend quiet time with God?
Any tips for taking time away from technology (it's such a distraction)!
Hope you all are having a wonderful April.

Miss last week's VOICE post? Check it out here.
Or click here to read all of the posts in the VOICE series.
Talk to you soon!

BEGINNINGS | Learning to Replace Negative Thoughts with Biblical Truth

I will be the first to admit that a lot of the time, I struggle to believe what is true.
I could blame it on our culture and its constant stream of media, but that wouldn't really be fair. What is more often the case is that I choose to listen to my own thoughts instead of what I know my family and friends and the Lord are all saying to me: good, beautiful things. Why is that?

Years ago when I spent a week with tanned legs and bandanas galore at summer camp, I learned that to get rid of one thought,
it helped to ruminate on another.

That was a big part of me beginning to realize just how I could shift my mindset. 
For every negative thought I had, I found a Bible verse to replace it, so when I was feeling angry, insecure or doubtful, I could read what the Bible had to say on that particular topic. That was also probably the same summer I came home to show the weird and (literally) campy program videos to my non-camp friends and learned that one should never, ever do that. BUT I DIGRESS.

Those verse cards helped me learn how to swap bad thoughts and replace them with truth. Which is something I find myself needing to learn again now as an adult, interestingly enough.

My friend Jenny also created a similar resource for me when I was still in middle school. Jenny is the best, I seriously have to give her mad props for being a mentor to me at a time when I was 13 and hyper as heck. The little card she made me is still taped inside my Bible front cover to this day and has a list of all the things God says about me (and you). Cards like this have been such a help to me over the years, so I thought I'd share it with you:

My God...

Loves me: Isaiah 43:4-5
Cares about my feelings: 1 Peter 5:7
Knows everything about me: Psalm 139:1-10
Is close to me: Acts 17:27
Forgives my sins: 1 John 1:9
Is my friend: John 15:15
Died for me: Romans 5:8
Never changes: Malachi 3:6
Comforts me: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Hears me when I pray: Micah 7:7

All credits go to Jenny. I was so blessed by these both then and now, my heart.

What about you?

Do you ever struggle with negative thoughts, and if so, what do you do to feel better? Did you ever go to summer camp and make weird memories? And what is one thing you're looking forward to this weekend? Thanks for reading, friends.

Meeting God in the Middle

In the morning, when everything in you wants to stay home and drink tea,
but church is what you need, what you crave, you go.

Up the street with your sister and cousin, into the building with faces familiar and new, you go. Sit down, stand up, sing the songs, hear the Word being preached, take a breath. Feel the weight of your problems rattle in your chest, race in your thoughts even as you try to sing. Take another breath. Listen as someone shares their heart.

I wrote recently on my side blog that sometimes it feels like I'm waiting for the next phase of my life, even when I'm supposed to be enjoying this one.

And interestingly enough, today's lesson was about that, that feeling of being in the middle. It's when you're not quite at the beginning of a new season, but not quite at the end of the current one, either. Just..in between. And that's how I feel right now. Waiting for the Lord to provide and answer prayer and trying to keep my heart soft to Him and connect even when it feels like He doesn't hear me. Because in my heart of hearts, I know that He does.

"I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember Your miracles of long ago."
- Psalm 77:11

If you're in the middle, too, know that it gets better. And sometimes, the middle is the best place to be! The pastor today brought up the great point that most of our lives are lived in the middle. In the waiting, in the in between, in the pauses and silences between seasons. And that's okay. That's how we build our faith and cry out to the Lord. And when a new season starts, it's all the more beautiful.

What about you?

Do you ever feel like you're in the middle? Is there anything that you're waiting for God to provide that He hasn't yet? Look back and remember what He has already done. I'm trying to be more grateful and enjoy this current season. Have a great week, friends! ♥